No fear
Ok, maybe not NO fear, but I am significantly less terrified this time around. The predominant feeling I had while pregnant with Alex wasn't joy or anticipation or even happiness. It was all out, unmitigated holy terror. I was afraid I'd miscarry. I was afraid I wouldn't miscarry and give birth to a mutant frog child. I was afraid my body would split in two during childbirth. I was afraid my lady bits would stretch out so much that they'd never go back to normal and do they even have plastic surgery for that?
This time, after the obligatory first trimester miscarry worries, then the pre-20-week-ultrasound-oh-my god-will-it-even-be-human freakout, I'm pretty much fearless. I didn't miscarry and I trust that the ultrasound did indeed show me my own healthy baby and not just a tape of someone else's because the government has impregnated me with alien span ala the X-files. I'm only a little worried about labor and delivery (simply because, frankly, it's not the most pleasant thing to look forward to) and seeing as how my lady bits are of normal size and in perfectly working order still, I don't worry about that either.
I do still try to be careful and I don't indulge in the obvious pregnancy "no nos" like drinking gallon jugs of whiskey or shooting up heroin, but I didn't do that before either. I am much more relaxed about food. Where last time I avoided caffeine altogether (other than chocolate, because I don't have that much will power) and I fretted over every single tuna sandwich I ate. Now I allow myself a Pepsi a couple of times a week, and if I want a tuna sandwich, I eat one, worry free. I even indulged in a sip (or two) of wine from my husband's glass during our anniversary dinner last month.
Most importantly, I'm not afraid of my baby. With Alex, I spent a lot of time worrying about what it would be like with the baby here. Would I be a good mother? Would I know what to do? How to feed him? Change him? What if I don't support his neck enough and his head falls off and rolls away? What if I don't have all the right stuff? What if three changing stations, a crib, a cradle, a playpen, two car seats, four strollers, 5092 onesies and sixteen jumbo packs of newborn diapers aren't enough? What if I can't breastfeed? What if he doesn't like me?
This time, I'm not worried about any of that at all. There are a few preparations I still need to make, getting his cradle out of storage, pre-wash the new clothes, decide whether or not to even bother buying new crib bedding... Where before I thought I had to stock up for the coming apocalypse, now I realize there's a grocery store just down the street and I can always send my husband out to pick up a can of formula should my boobs go on strike.
And as for whether or not I'm going to be a good mother? I'm still a work in progress. I understand now that being a mom is a process. I'd never been a mom before I had Alex and I've never been a mom of two before either. Even though I have experience raising a child up to the age of 2.5, this is a whole new kid and everything I've learned so far could be worthless. It's always new, it's always a learning experience. Instead of being scared of it though, this time, I'm excited about it. The one thing I do know is that while I may not be mom of the year, I am the best person to be the mother of MY children.
It's nice to just look forward to adding to our family instead of having my blood pressure go through the roof every time I think about it. A second pregnancy may lack the excitement and novelty of a first pregnancy, but in some ways that's a good thing. To have a better idea of what to expect when you're expecting frees you up to really enjoy the process.
