Dillierama

The birth of Max James

I got up at 5am Wednesday morning after a night of tossing and turning.  By six I started having fairly strong contractions about 10 minutes apart.  I called labor and delivery at 7am as I was supposed to to confirm my induction was still on and what time to be in.  They told me I could come in at 8. 

By the time my mom came to pick Alex up at 7:45 my contractions were five minutes apart and strong, I'd lost my mucous plug and I was beginning to realize that I was in labor.  At the hospital, they checked me and confirmed that I was dilated to 4 centimeters and the monitors were picking up my contractions.  We asked the nurses if I even needed to get the Pitocin, to which the nurse asked us "How long do you want to be here?"  "hook me up" I responded.  They assured me they'd only give me a small amount.  Soon my doctor came in and broke my water and announced I was at five centimeters already and I should get an epidural.  I didn't feel like I needed an epidural yet, so I told them to wait.  "Do you want to go natural?" the nurse asked me.  "I don't know" I responded.  "I'd like to, but I don't want to commit"  "Ok, just yell when you want one."

My contractions kept coming, stronger and closer together and at about 10:00, the nurse came in to check me.  I'd been handling them just fine by doing deep breathing, but when she lowered the bed putting me flat on my back I freaked out.  She waited through the contraction I was having and told me to breathe and turn on my side, but all I could manage doing was crying "oh GOD! OH GOD! I can't do this! I don't want to be on my back! I don't want to be on my back!!"  She checked me and I was at six centimeters.  She raised the bed again and I went back to sitting completely upright with my knees bent, bottoms of my feet pressed together.  After the nurse left, I had another contraction and I had a real hard time staying in control.  I told John I was having trouble relaxing through them like I was supposed to.  "Is that what you're supposed to do?"  He asked.  "I don't know!  Isn't it?" I responded "I'll check the book"  He got out our copy of Husband Coached Childbirth.  The book he got back in December and never finished reading the last half.  He frantically searched through the book for adivce on how to handle active labor "Are you in first stage or second stage?" he asked me "I DON'T KNOW!!!!!"  I growled  "Why are we so unprepared?"  "Aaggghhh!  Here's another one, what do I do? WHAT DO I DO??"  John started reading aloud something about deep beathing and pelvic rocking, "Shhh!  Don't talk to me"  I told John and somehow was able to get back into control and got through the contraction with minimal freaking out.

Once I was back in control of my breathing, I was able to handle the stronger contractions.  I still don't know what had happened when I was on my back, but I quickly developed a fear of being on my back and made John promise I wouldn't have to lay on my back ever again.  I also began obsessing about the fact that I hadn't pooped yet that morning.  I was sure I'd poop when I had the baby.  I asked John if he'd still love me if he saw me poop on our baby.  He assured me that he would.  It seemed every contraction for the next half hour I'd cry "I'm going to poop!".

Contractions got stronger and stronger and John offered to rub my back through them.  I thought that sounded nice, but the first time he tried I screamed "DON'T TOUCH ME!".  Somehow we figured out what I needed.  As soon as a contraction started I would squeeze John's hand and he'd stand up and hug me.  I'd try to breathe through the contraction as best I could while practically ripping his shrit sleeve off at the same time.  Soon breathing through the contractions turned to moaning through the contractions and we managed with a combination of the hugging thing with me also biting John's shoulder, which I'm sure felt just lovely, to me finding a "focal point", which happened to be the keyhole on the cabinet across the room while I tried not to howl in pain.  I wasn't breathing very effectively by now and my whole body was buzzing like there was an electrical current going through me.  For some reason this is what I complained about the most.  The contractions were so intense, but all I could do was complain about my legs, they're buzzing!

The nurse came in again and wanted to check me and I outright refused to lay on my back.  She did manage to get me to allow her to lay the bed back enough for her to check and find that I was eight centimeters.  It had to be about 11:30 by now, I have no idea.  She asked me if I felt a lot of pressure, and I did.  The doctor came in to see how I was doing and predicted I'd have a baby in about a half hour.

The nurse stayed with me for the rest of the labor and delivery, she had me look at my focal point or look at her and do the "hee hee hoo" breathing.  I didn't want to hee hee hoo.  I wanted to go home.  I wanted to get up and go home and I told her so.  John told me I couldn't go home, I was having a baby.  I told him that this baby having business is just stupid.  What did I think I was doing not getting an epidural.  He told me how proud of me he was.  I told him going natural was stupid, stupid, stupid.  He tried to remind me that I wanted to go natural.  I told him I didn't think I even wanted to have a baby anymore.  The nurse asked if I wanted some pain medication in my IV.  I asked her if it would make me loopy.  She said it would.  Knowing I was barely keeping it together sober, I declined the pain relief.  I still thought natural childbirth was stupid.

Suddenly Max was ready to come out.  I could feel him coming out.  I started screaming that "HE'S COMING OUT! HE'S COMING OUT!"  The doctor came in and checked me and announced that I was a 9+ and I could start pushing.  They laid the bed back down and I began howling that I didn't want to lay down!  Please don't make me lay down!  The doctor said if I didn't lay down the baby would come out on the bed instead of into his hands, which I thought would be just fine.  They made me lay down anyway.  The rest of the birth I just remember feeling as though I was being ripped in half from the inside out.  I don't know if I really pushed or not.  It seemed to me that Max was coming out whether I helped him by pushing or not.  I know I screamed because the nurse and the doctor both yelled back at me to stop screaming and to push.  It was very different from Alex's birth.  It seemed Alex came out in sections.  First his head, his shoulders, then the rest of him.  Max seemed to just come out in one big lump.  Somewhere above my head I heard John say "We had a baby!"  I think I was still screaming.  Max was born at 12:13 in the afternoon.

I remember someone asking John to cut the cord.  I still hadn't looked at our baby, I was laying on my back with my head and neck arched and I was wimpering because it was still hurting.  John followed the baby to the warming table to take pictures of him and the doctor told me if I gave one good push the placenta would come out and it would all be over.  I did and what a relief it was.  The pain stopped instantly.  I looked over and saw Max, and he was huge.  Big and healthy and crying. 

I apologized to the doctor for all the screaming and he said I did great and that he would have screamed even louder.  The doctor stitched up the tear, and John took a picture of me.  FInally someone handed Max to me and John kissed me and said "My wife is quite the bad ass!"  Another nurse poked her head into the room and said "I heard you have your baby!" and it occurred to me that I probably screamed so loud the enitre hospital heard me have my baby.

John asked me later if it was worth it.  If I regretted not getting the epidural.  I think in the midst of it, I deeply, desperately regretted not getting it, but now that it's over, I really feel like it was the right thing to do.  By the time I felt I needed the epidural, I was 45 minutes away from having the baby.  It would have been too late to get one anyway.  I'd have had to get it much earlier, and I really didn't feel like I needed pain relief at that point. John was a great partner and I know I couldn't have done it without him.  Having John by my side and his being an active participant in the birth was better than an epidural.  And, as painful as it was, it was also an amazing experience and I'm very glad I was able to do it.  We're done having babies, John will likely get "the snip" here pretty soon, but if we weren't, if I ever did get pregnant again, I'd definately do it the same way. 

My guys

Home again, home again, Jiggedy Jog

We came home from the hospital with a "wireless" Max yesterday evening.  The doctor had wanted to send him home on oxygen because his o2 saturation would go down whenever he nursed.  I met with a couple of lactation consultants and we figured out what the problem was, apparently I'm a milk producing machine and Max simply can't keep up with the flow causing him to constantly swallow and not have a chance to catch his breath, they gave me some good tips and I was able to successfully prove to the doctor that we could keep his saturation up during feedings.

We picked Alex up on the way home, our neighbor brought us dinner and we spent the evening downstairs watching TV and cuddling together.  All week I'd been looking forward to just a normal evening with my family, and I've got to tell you, it felt even better than I'd anticipated.  It was hard to believe we'd actually been through all of that. 

John and I took turns staying up with Max.  He seems to want to eat every hour all night long and he's not thrilled at all to sleep in his own bed.  So I'd stay up for a couple of feedings then wake John up who would hold him until he got hungry again and then wake me up to feed him.  Then Alex woke up with a bad dream and needed to sleep with us.  At about 3 AM, I simply couldn't keep my eyes open so I put Max into bed with me, Alex and John and all four of us were able to get a couple of hours of sleep. 

Today has been spent doing such exciting activities as baths for the boys, diaper changes, nursing, dishes...It's amazing what a little perspective can do.  Before all of this happened, I don't think I'd have been able to appreciate the minutiae of life but I can truthfully say that today has been just as exciting and wonderful as a week ago, the day Max was born.  Last night Max was fussing (well, he's still recovering his voice, so he sounds more like a squeak toy than a baby crying) about being alone in his cradle and I was trying to shush him "Daddy is trying to sleep" I told Max.  Then I hear John whisper, "It's music to my ears".

We feel so lucky to be able to have come home with a healthy baby.  Things could have gone differently.  I can't even think about it.  Max is strong, and healthy, and ours.  We are so happy.

The man blog is back

John's blogging hiatus is over. See his new blog at http://jmelee.typepad.com/the_dillier_man_blog/

Testing

The EEG test was this morning and went smoothly.  We went in, they stuck electrodes to Max's head, then turned out the lights and all three of us took a nap.  They came back and woke us up an hour later flashed some lights in Max's face then sent us back to our room.  Easy peasy.

When they got Max ready for his MRI, the nurse put him on an IV because, since he couldn't eat (due to the fact they were planning to sedate him for the procedure), he needed extra fluids.  Both John and I immediately got up and inspected the IV bag.  I suspect we'll never fully trust an IV bag again.

When they took us down to sedation, John and I practically had a brawl with the staff there because we wanted them to at least TRY to do the test without drugging him.  We'd spent the entire day keeping Max awake so that he'd hopefully stay asleep for the test.  They couldn't understand why we were making such a stink about it.  They do this all the time, they assured us.  It's no big deal.  He'll be awake in a couple of hours they said.  It wasn't until we told them "But do you know what this baby has been through?" and explained our story that they agreed to give it a go, and we agreed that if it didn't work they could sedate him, but only after they assured us they triple check dosage and drug type and they would only give him the minimum amount he would need.

They set him all up for the MRI, but the machine was too loud and though I think he stayed asleep, the noise scared him enough to really wiggle around causing the picture to be blurry.  They ended up sedating him, but thankfully only needed a half dose of the drug because he was already so sleepy.  It took him several hours to wake up to the point he could nurse, and because he was so hungry and sleepy he forgot to breathe causing his monitors to go crazy.  This freaked me out completely and after the third try, we gave up and put him back on oxygen so he could eat, which he did with gusto then promptly fell asleep again. 

The MRI results came back fast showing no abnormalities.  Naturally we're thrilled to get that news.  The EEG tests came back showing what the neurologist referred to as "little peaks".  From what I understood what she saw was only slightly unusual, and we will followup with another EEG and see the neurologist in August.  Until then, we just need to watch Max closely for signs of seizure, though she doesn't think it will be a problem, in fact, she doesn't feel he needs to be on anti-seizure meds at this point.

The pediatrician came in and told us that if Max could get back to eating well and staying off of oxygen, we could all go home tomorrow.  As of right now he's on room air but needs oxygen when he nurses.  We've got all night to work on it, so I'm hoping by the time the pediatrician comes by on rounds he'll be off the nasal cannula and eating normally.

All in all, a good day I think.

A real baby

This morning we met with two pediatricians who were concerned that Max was still acting like a lifeless ragdoll.  He hadn't cried since we'd been here, he didn't act hungry, he slept all the time...  The pediatricians met with the neurologists and decided to go ahead and order the MRI and EEG tests for Monday (technically today since it's 1:30 Monday morning as I type this), but as the day wore on, Max got more and more baby like.  He began fussing when he was hungry.  He tried to cry when they gave him a bath, though he's still struggling to get his voice back from having been intubated on Thursday.  He's nursing like a champ, better than his brother ever did at this age and he's having longer and longer periods of time being alert.  He's pooping and peeing and basically acting like a normal five day old baby.

Both nurses we've had today are optimistic we can go home very soon (Monday or Tuesday) if we can just get his breathing under control without oxygen.  So tonight we're going to try to wean him off of his nasal tube back to room air again.  If that can be done, there's no reason for us to be here anymore.

As for the tests, I'm hoping the doctors will come see Max on their rounds before the tests because I'd really like to put off the MRI.  I don't mind getting the EEG because it seems pretty easy on Max, but he'd have to be sedated for the MRI, and I feel like we've just got him back, I don't want to loose our momentum!  I'd like to wait a couple of weeks and see if we even need to do one then.

In other news, it seems like our baby is the most popular baby in the hospital.  Whoever meets him develops an instant attachment to him and they come by to check on him.  His doctors and nurses from the NICU, the Life Flight crew, my OB's nurse... It seems everyone who has heard what happened to him is pulling for him to make a speedy recovery.

A big step in the right direction

Max was moved out of the NICU yesterday evening.  He was also taken off all of his medications and allowed to eat.  FINALLY.  As his mother, it's been so hard to not steal him away and feed him a twinkie or something.  Kid hasn't eaten since the day he was born.  He's wasting away people!  Of course, feeding him hasn't been an option until now, so when his doctor told us we could start, I did a dorky little happy dance right there in the middle of the NICU.

We mistakenly thought that having Max in the infant care unit where we could stay with him in his room all night would be easier on us than having him in the NICU.  What we didn't realize was that being in the room with him meant being in the room with his monitors and the nurses and doctors coming in and out and how scary that is in the middle of the night.  We had a little setback last night, they really amped up his feeding schedule and Max didn't tolerate it very well.  Every time he'd eat (through bottle and tube, breastfeeding wasn't working and it was just stressing us both out so I gave up for the night.  May try again today) his breathing would get real fast and his o2 levels would go down.  They put him back on a nasal tube which helped.  Of course this was terrifying to John and me because that's where this whole story began.  Max's breathing too fast.  I dealt with it by having a complete breakdown and formulating elaborate escape plans.  I would go home. Just leave, pick Alex up from my mom's house and go home pretending none of this was happening.  I want to go home.  John's started to get pissed off about the whole ordeal.  Up until now we've both been sad and confused, but not really mad.  Now, John's mad.

Then something good happened.  Max woke up.  He's been asleep for days, only occasionally peeking an eye out to look around.  Last night he was wide eyed for what seemed like at least an hour or two. Maybe three.  I have no sense of time anymore.  This morning's feeding was cut in half (from 2oz to 1 oz) and he tolerated it very well. 

I put aside my escape plan and instead of breaking out of the hospital and running away, I took a walk down to the computers and read some emails and comments on mine and Jen's blogs and it's given me new strength.  Thank you everyone who is thinking of us and supporting us.  We really appreciate all of your thoughts.  When we've got nothing left, it helps to have some backup out there!

Feelings

I don't have the energy to write out all that has happened since Wednesday.  I will, hopefully soon, record the entire experience with possibly way too much detail, but for now, thankfully Grandma Jen has been recording events on her blog, so I will point you in that direction to fill you in on things up until now.  http://grandmajenandgrandpajoe.blogspot.com/

Go ahead and read up, I'll wait...

I find the best way I'm able to cope with this situation is to live completely in the now.  Even looking back to Max's birth, which was better than I had ever planned or hoped for, makes me sad because all I can think about is, how could we be HERE after that?  When I realize the answer: SOMEONE ELSE'S MISTAKE.  Someone who was supposed to be protecting and caring for my son.  Making him healthy, not almost killing him.  This shouldn't have happened.  This can't have happened.  I just sink into those negative feelings.  I'm mad. I'm confused. I'm upset. I'm disappointed. I'm feeling a million different emotions I don't even have names for, but none of them good.  However, if I let go of that, for now.  If I just accept that we are here.  This horrible thing did happen.  But look how he's improved! He's alive!  He's breathing on his own!  I can hold him! He's off most of his medications now!  He is in the best Children's Hospital in the country and he's receiving care from top notch doctors and nurses and specialists!  When I focus on that, I am able to hold my son in my arms and be the best mom I can be to him.  I'm no good to Max if I'm angry or sobbing uncontrollably.  If I can keep positive, as cheesy as it may sound, I feel like I can somehow infuse him with my positive energy, help him keep fighting and keep improving.  I don't know.  It's just my way of coping.

Strangley, or perhaps not, the hardest thing for me at the moment is missing my Alex.  Feeling like I've abandoned him.  Max needs me here with him, so I am, but I need Alex.  He's with my mom and having a ball at Grandma Babs' Hotel and Resort complete with not one but TWO puppies.  She's been bringing him to see me every day and I'm calling at least twice a day to try to talk to him (he hates the phone though).  These feelings aren't productive, but I find these are the ones I'm having a harder time putting aside for the greater good.

Today's the day!

We're leaving to go to the hospital to get labor induced in an hour!  I've, of course, been up since 5AM  after not being able to sleep all night.  Could you sleep if you knew you were going to have a baby the next day??

Ironically, I think I may be in early labor this morning already.  We shall see!

Well, it's somebody's birthday anyway

Still no damned baby, and I gotta tell ya, I'm starting to loose it.  I don't know how women DO this.  I know some women go over their due dates by WEEKS, and how they don't just go straight to crazy town is beyond me.  I spent yesterday an emotional mess.  I cried about everything.  I went to get frosty's at Wendy's, brought them downstairs and then sobbed about how I had "NO SPOONS!  THERE ARE NO SPOONS!  OH GOD, IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!  HOW WILL WE EVER EAT THESE FROSTYS WITHOUT SPOONS??? WAHHH"  When John was able to go to a drawer and produce a plastic spoon for me, it just caused me to cry even more because I was so glad he had a spoon and no one had to go all the way upstairs for a spoon because that would have been awful.  AWFUL!  There was also the great cracker breakdown where I cried and cried because there were smooshed crackers all over the floor and now I have to vacuum.  And woe!  I don't WANT to vacuum!  Why oh why would someone smoosh crackers on the floor?!?!  WHY DO THESE HORRIBLE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?

Ok, so maybe I'm not starting to loose it, there seems to be sufficient evidence to suggest that my sanity is already long gone.

Today is John's 31st birthday.  My goal for the day is to not drive him crazy.  Sadly, we didn't plan anything for his birthday, not knowing if we'd have a baby yet or not, so John will probably spend the day in his underwear playing video games, which, really, is probably what he'd rather do anyway.

My plan is to stay focused on the fact that tomorrow is the day.  I'll keep myself busy doing laundry, packing more hospital bags (we'll be in the hospital for the entire labor, so I want to put together a bag of activities to do, board games, DVD's, books...), packing Alex's suitcase for his stay at Grandma Babs' house, maybe install the baby's carseat in the van... just keep myself busy so I stay out of John's hair and don't drive him nuts by being an emotional wreck.