Learning curve

John and I have been together for six and a half years.  From the minute we met, we clicked.  Conversation was easy, just being together was fun.  We never really dated.  The first few months of our relationship was spent just hanging out together and talking.  I have never felt more comfortable with another human being in my life.  As a couple, we make sense together.  The kind of people we are, our goals in life, our philosophies, beliefs, morals...we're so similar in who we are, who we want to be, I always imagined our relationship to be a perfect match.

Then we had a baby.

At first, I scoffed at the people who told me that having children changes your relationship.  If anything, our relationship was BETTER than it was before.  We were closer than ever, John and I.  And so it went for about a year and a half, I was living in some kind of fantasy land where everything was perfect.

Then our baby grew into a toddler.

When the actual PARENTING part of having a child became necessary, the part where you have to discipline and can't just sit around cooing about how cute he is and your worst argument is over who has to change the poopy diaper, I realized for the first time that our parenting styles couldn't be more polar opposite.  This, as you can imagine, has put a bit of a kink in my view of our perfect life together.  Nothing makes us butt heads harder than a parenting dispute.  We both love Alex so much, we both understand that this is our child we're talking about here and damnit we have to get it right, that there's very little give on either side when we fight about parenting.  We're both so sure that we have the right answer, that we have Alex's best interests in mind, that it can get pretty heated. 

I think John's too aggressive with Alex.  His MO is to scare the living shit out of him so he won't repeat the bad behavior.  John thinks I coddle him too much.  I'm too wimpy with the discipline and I let Alex get away with everything.  In an attempt to be fair, we both probably have a point.  John needs to understand that Alex is only two and a half.  He's just a little kid, and as such, he acts like a little kid.  He breaks things, he climbs on things, he throws tantrums, he makes messes, he bites, hits, screams, cries, he will do things over and over and over despite having been disciplined for it just to see at what point will he be able to get away with it.  I think John needs to relax about some things and cut Alex some slack because Jesus, he's only two!  The other day he blew his top over Alex making a mess with goldfish crackers on the carpet, an offense I think could have done better with a stern "No!" rather than a screaming fit. I'll concede that I do need to be more strict about certain behaviors, and perhaps even increase the punishment for the more extreme situations (biting, hitting, etc.).  Maybe I do let too many things slide because I don't want to deal with correcting it.  And maybe I'm so scared of becoming like my parents, who I spent the better part of my life being scared shitless of, that I can't bring myself to dole out the discipline because I'm afraid he'll grow up hating me.

The worst part is, unless we can find a happy medium, unless we can get on track TOGETHER, we will continue to undermine each other with Alex.  It does no good at all when John gets angry with Alex in a way that I feel is out of line and then I rush in to scoop him up and comfort him and yell at John for being too scary.  All Alex learns is that Daddy is a big scary ogre and Mommy will always save me, and if I play it right, I'll always be able to get away with everything.

We're still new at this parenting gig and I know we'll work it out.  This is just one part of our relationship that isn't going to come easy.  But it will get better.  John and I love each other, and we love Alex and nothing is more important to either of us than having a happy (and well behaved) family.

Comments

[Jenni Marie]

This happens to us too, but the opposite. I am the one who lays down the line and Nathan is the push over. I think partly it is because of the Daddy daughter deal. Maybe you have the Momma's boy deal.
Anyways I hope you are alright with me making comments like this.
I have seen John freak out before and it reminds me of younger years, maybe he is being a big brother and getting more annoyed than taking the time to realize the situation could be dealt with sternly yes but as a better example for Alex. If Dad freaks.. why can't I.
And you are right if I was you and it was hard to disipline for past reasons.. I would just try to make a consequence for Alex (and maybe even John's) actions and make sure you follow through. If you need some help with thinking of consequences let me know. Otherwise I am sure you know them best just definetly don't forget to follow through.
I am sorry that was so long of a comment I hope it is alright... Lily has been sick and I have some internet time on my hands.
Jen